When she keeps rejecting you sexually - by Steph Ganowski

So many of my direct messages on Instagram are men telling me that their female partners never want to have sex with them. And any post or discussion I bring up, relating to “connect with her more on an emotional level first”, they say they’ve all tried that and it didn’t work.

In my professional opinion (and through proven research), it does work, but not if simultaneously there are larger issues are at play, that aren’t being properly addressed/communicated through.

So after working 1:1 with men on this concern, “connecting emotionally first” sometimes doesn’t work for a few main reasons:

•  His meaning of “connection” is different from her meaning (she doesn’t perceive his efforts as “connecting”). Ex: he thinks starting to ask the one question, “How was your day?” once a day means he’s trying to emotionally connect when she just finds it to be awkward, coming out of the blue and doesn’t experience that as connecting.

•  She feels sex has always been one-sided, since she’s hardly felt satisfied and it doesn’t seem her partner cares about her sexual pleasure/satisfaction (she’s sexually resentful). So “emotional connection” most likely won’t work until this resentment is addressed.

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•  She has her own issues to work through, whether they be related to health, past trauma, anxiety/depression, body issues, no personal boundaries, lack of self-love/respect, etc. It may have nothing to do with him and it requires professional help for her to overcome it.

•  She’s lost sexual interest because she’s witnessed more of his “needy” sexual behavior versus his confident behavior. For example, a man pouting after not getting sex, using lots of sarcasm after she turns him down, him losing his boundaries in the relationship, in the hopes that if he says “yes” to everything or allows her to treat him however she wants… that it will eventually lead to sex. (Emotional connection can’t work if she doesn’t respect you). 

You’re probably like, “Ok Steph, well what the fuck? I’m not perfect and this doesn’t seem fair that I need to check 500 boxes to get laid by my partner. Also, how can I be sexually confident when I’m constantly sexually rejected? What do I do if there is something wrong with her but she doesn’t want to get help?…”

I can go on and on typing out what believe you’re thinking right now after reading that lol. Put yourself in her situation and read it again. It does make sense but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for you to experience. You also have to realize this most likely isn’t easy for her to experience either. Unless she’s become asexual or lost her libido entirely, something’s obviously blocking her from feeling sexually vulnerable, pleased and confident, which is disappointing for her just as sexual rejection is disappointing for you.

So what the hell are you supposed to do??? 

Lots of guys will say “I just pull away and whenever I do, she comes back”. This is a good idea if you want to play the “push and pull” game. But it will only work on a temporary surface level, never bring you a satisfying sex life and also doesn’t solve the underlying issues.

So here’s my very first step for you to start addressing the underlying issue: Have the awkward sex conversation about the issue and lead with curiosity (not anger/frustration/annoyance). 

Pick a day this week and commit to:

1. Ask her when she has time to talk about "something important" and be sure you both commit to it (also don't have this conversation right after she rejects you). You need to be in a confident, relaxed headspace.
2. Use the phrasing "we". For example, "I used to love it when we had sex more like once a week..."
3. Lead with genuine curiosity. For example, "I'm wondering how we can get back there and how you can enjoy sex more to want to get back there." (This is genuine and leads to answers you probably haven't heard in a while).

This creates emotional connection while opening the door to understanding her on a deeper level. She will eventually become more curious about you the more curious you are about her. After all, curiosity is what started attraction between the two of you to begin with. 

There are obviously more steps you can take but this will start you off in addressing your sexual rejection concern. 

If you want to commit to more steps, I am currently offering a few spots for 1:1 coaching. Click here to apply.

Also, my new course, Overcoming Sexual Performance Anxiety has become available this week. 

Talk soon ;) 

Steph

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