Ok so "setting boundaries" may sound scary or weird when it comes to being in a relationship with a woman. You might think, "Well, I don't want to sound/appear controlling or like a dick or make her sad or have to deal with the emotional reactions..." I get it! But you want to be respected (especially by your woman, right?!) And there will be times when you know for sure you don't want to/need to be doing something in your relationship but you feel like inner resentment is building up little by little...this is the point in which you set the boundary or reinforce the boundary if it has been set. When you allow resentment to build and build, you will eventually reach the point of flipping out on her randomly, not realizing it's the anger you've suppressed for so long. I'll be honest in saying that women can easily resort to manipulative tendencies when it comes to using sex or emotions as a tool to get what they want (just as men can easily be very manipulative with money if they're the main breadwinner). Therefore, healthy boundaries are always important to set and will leave you the most certain and decisive when it comes to your handling your relationship in the best possible way.
So now that we know setting boundaries is SO important, how exactly are you supposed to set boundaries in your relationship??? Follow these tips and use whatever fits best within the means of your current situation/relationship...
1) Know yourself. Make a list of what you can tolerate in your relationship with a woman and what you cannot. This would actually be great to do BEFORE getting into a relationship. You don't have to stand there and read the list to her (that will really freak her out lol). Just have the list for yourself so that when something comes up in person, you immediately see it as a red flag. Then you have a better idea of how to handle it.
For instance, if you cook, does that mean you would like her to clean up after? Or you both do? Or you do? What do YOU think is fair? (All men are different). But you have to take notice of this right away because while in the 'honeymoon' stages of a relationship, if you are cooking and cleaning with a smile on your face, to impress her, then she will assume this makes you happy and you will always be doing it for her. Once the honeymoon stages are over and you stop, arguments can arise, you will resent her for never cooking or cleaning and she will be hurt/confused as to why you don't want to make her happy this way anymore. We need to condition our partners just as we do our dogs (that sounds terrible but it's true lol).
2) Make sure you are never shamed for who you are, disrespected, belittled or controlled by her. When she makes you feel this way at ALL (even in the slightest), call her out on it immediately (if the timing is not the best on the spot, then at least by the end of the night mention it to her). If you rub it off and never say anything, she will see that it's accepted and will continue speaking to you in this way. If it's not ok with you, then have enough respect for yourself to be honest, direct and upfront about it. This doesn't make you appear emotional guys, it makes you appear strong and respected. Maybe you could say something like, "I really love the way you talk to me the majority of the time but when you say things like _____, I won't stand for it and it makes me feel less attracted to you, which I don't like or want. I would rather us build each other up! What do you think?" -Then wait for her response!
Hell yeah, she just got alpha man mind-fucked LOL...
3) Be honest and open about the things you are serious about. No beating around the bush! She needs to know what you're serious about and what you don't really care about when it comes to how you want to be treated. If you let something she says/does slide one day but another day you flip out about it, this will leave her very confused (and you can't blame her!). I know it can be uncomfortable, especially if things are great between you in the moment, but as I always stress with my coaching... the way you feel about yourself is most important of all. If she is damaging the way you feel about yourself, this will ultimately damage your relationship with her as well. Better to get things straight in the baby stages, before things escalate!
Also, be sure to not set boundaries with ridiculously high standards- she'll feel as though it's impossible to be with you. It's really just about being verbally firm in terms of how you want to be treated.
4) Maintain your boundaries once you've set them! She may test you and do the same thing again, seeing if you meant what you once before. As long as you keep a healthy mindset, you will remember that no matter how much you love her, you will keep your word and stay true to the boundaries you have set. For instance, if you once set a boundary with her to keep calls/texts to a minimum during your work hours, but you recently had a week filled with kinky/passionate sex and now she's sexting you all day... do you let her text you? ... NO! You will see her naked when you're with her again- focus! Because see how this can create a huge problem? If you allow the texts after the sex, she feels like now she can text you whenever she wants again, no matter what your work hours are. Then when the sexting stops and she texts normally, if you bring up the boundary, it will hurt her feelings and make her angry because she'll feel as though you "only want to sext with her and that's all you care about". Right? So stay strong and stick to your word if it's important to you! Nude selfies or not! I know it's hard... (that's what she said).
5) Remain the guy she was attracted to in the first place! I know most of you guys are single but this is important in the beginning stages of dating and also something to be aware of. If you were assertive, confident, decisive, firm, etc. when she first fell for you, then why would you become someone who doesn't care as much once in the relationship? Many men struggle with this once in relationships- they stray far from the man they were when they were single and first attracted her- therefore, they have trouble keeping her attracted in the long run and also lose sight of themselves. To keep the guy is to set the boundaries and keep them. She doesn't want to be bossed around, but she also most likely doesn't want a guy she can walk all over. Be assertive and calm, positive and respectful.If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything. Don't let that happen. Set the boundaries and keep them, guys- it will make and keep your relationship a healthy, happy, sexy one!
If you're one of my clients and would like to work on this while in the beginning stages of dating, please fill out this form and I’ll email you back to set up your first (free!) call with me
Hope this helped you guys!
Your female perspective,